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Fun Responses to Internet Trolls

Writing

If you’re a vocal woman on the internet, it’s only a matter of time before some bridge dwelling troll decides to take his anger with not getting laid (because he’s gross and we all have standards) on you. When this happens, they will often devolve into rape and death threats.

Now, for people who haven’t experienced what I have, this is certainly terrifying and should never happen but we also need to stop taking these trolls seriously. Their goal is to rile us up, and the best way to deal with them is to not get riled up but to laugh at their bullshit. So I’ve decided to provide a list of amusing responses to “I’m going to rape and kill you.” Feel free to use these and spread to other women! I’ve made sure these are twitter friendly and you are welcome to copy and paste. I tried to think of possible responses from different viewpoints, but mostly I tried to amuse myself, which should be our real goal here. They aren’t trying to learn, so don’t bother trying to teach. The goal is to send them back to their bridge.

Troll: “I’m going to rape and kill you.”

You:

1) “That hard to get laid, eh?”

2) “Can we meet in Florida? I’d like to stand my ground.”

3) “Why you such a bitch, tho?”

4) “Who hurt you?”

5) “Are you this angry because your TMI is below average?”

6) “Not if I do it first.”

7) “You have your first amendment, I have my second.”

8) “Aw! I bet you say that to all the girls you jack off to but can never have.”

9) “Knock, knock

Who is there?

FBI

FBI who?

FB I’m going to kill you.”

10) “Don’t you have homework?”

11) “Isn’t it past your bedtime?”

12) “Maybe, but you’ll still be a bitch.”

13) “Don’t you want your first time to be special?”

14) “Dead or alive, I wouldn’t feel it.”

15) “Is that a credible threat because if it is, we can have a chat with the Feds. And if not, stop bluffing and go back to your bridge.”

16) “You ain’t gon’ do shit.”

17) “Oh, grow up.”

A Comprehensive List of Reasons We Aren’t Having Kids

Writing

Since getting married, people keep asking me and my husband if we want kids. Since neither of us has ever expressed even the slightest interest in procreation, it seems odd. But the really odd thing is when people argue with us about it after we try to politely demure. You could stop with the question when we say no, and I politely talk about how grateful I am that other people have them, but instead you keep interrogations going. Since we are getting tired of repeating ourselves, here’s the list of reasons.

Prepare to be horribly offended.

  • We don’t want to.
  • Kids will cramp our style? Why? Because our style is called “being irresponsible” and “sleep.”
  • You all frown on people who smoke weed around their children
  • People keep telling me how brilliant our child will be, and that might be true, if we win the genetic lottery. But they’ll also be insane, and we’ll possibly produce a Lex Luther.
  • Don’t you all think I’ve done enough damage to my body?
  • Listening to the cries of children gives me horrible flashbacks to my childhood.
  • I’ve already taken care of lots of kids, so I know better.
  • My husband straight just hates kids, you guys.
  • OR… we can both write.
  • We’re just a pair of selfish assholes.
  • OR… I can continue to play subversive aunt to all of your children
  • I literally can’t do it all without dying and frankly I like writing and activism better than raising kids.
  • Between my husband and I there is only one fully functioning adult and we both agree it’d be best to raise kids with two.
  • I wouldn’t wish my medical conditions and epic-genetic trauma on my worst enemy.
  • Just general laziness.
  • Neither one of us wants deal with the fallout of possibly having a douchebag. Which is to say, we’d have to hate our own child.
  • After 28 years, I’m finally getting good sleep. Fuck you for asking me to give it up.
  • Children aren’t fluffy and they expect to be fed more than twice a day on a regular schedule.
  • Our cat wouldn’t like it.
  • Christmas and Disneyland are usually involved in our descriptions of hell.
  • Do you REALLY think it’s a good idea? I mean, if you know us? DO YOU?!!
  • Because we are too irresponsible but also responsible enough to know we are too irresponsible.
  • It’s all fun and games to tell children to rebel against authority until you are the authority.
  • Children’s birthday parties.
  • Pregnancy, for either of us.
  • We’ll never like our child as much as we like each other and we’ll both also do a poor job hiding it because of aforementioned laziness.
  • “No, honey, Santa isn’t real. He’s just something some white people made up to get people to spend money. Sure, go ahead and share that information with the masses.” Do you really want my child in school with your child?
  • Children are like biological weapons factories and my body is basically virgin soil for the all the good my immune system does me.
  • I don’t actually carry the gene that makes me addicted to baby smell, because I’m a mutant.
  • I secretly hate taking care of kids even though I’m really good at it.
  • I’m also really good at physics but I have yet to see such a mass campaign to get me into scientific fields.